Tag Archives: self harm

Conversations With Myself: Reversing Negative Internal Dialogue

Image source: http://www.mindislife.com/tag/imagination
Image source: http://www.mindislife.com

Consider this for a moment, if you will…

You invite a friend to your home. Upon her arrival, you inform her that her outfit looks terrible and that she could really afford to lose a couple pounds. When she speaks, you let her know her thoughts are silly and invalid. When she says she is hungry, you tell her she doesn’t need to eat and hand her a piece of gum. OR, maybe just give her an entire package of cookies to go ahead and finish off because her weight is already “too far gone.”

You’d never do this, would you?

And yet, many of us treat ourselves in this manner on a daily basis. I confess, I am one of them. I struggle to feel the same love and tenderness for myself that I can easily muster for others.

The reality is, you (and me) are just as deserving. Just as worthy of love.

All of us have a running internal dialogue. Some feelings and thoughts may be so deeply ingrained that we no longer realize when we are silently judging and sabotaging ourselves. My challenge to myself today is to become more aware of that internal dialogue and to turn around the negative thoughts when they arise, to choose to treat myself as I would a friend.

What might this mean for you? In what aspect of your life could you benefit from slowing down and offering yourself that which you would freely give to someone you loved?

On Self-Harm

I’ve avoided this topic for some time, both because it is especially personal and because I fear someone seeing this an acceptable behavior to try. It is not. Regardless, though self-injury is a thing of my past, my body is a walking testament to the consequences of engaging in this misguided coping mechanism.

Self-harm entered my life during a particularly low and difficult period of young adulthood. Struggling to find my way in the world, I stumbled upon “cutting” quite by accident. To this day I do not know why choosing this course of (in)action even crossed my mind. Once it had, however, self-harm become a bit of an obsession and a mode of dealing with all the painful emotions which bubbled underneath the surface of my psyche.

I’d like to bring some understanding to the reasons why some of us engage(d) in self-harm, though I recognize that everyone’s experiences are different. I can speak only for myself.

Consider a dull headache, then consider a horrific migraine. One hurts more than the other, yes? For me, self-harm was the dull headache. The pain was unpleasant but in no ways comparable to the pain of my depression. And for a few brief moments, hurting myself physically distracted from the strange, frightening firings of my brain. Self-harm was my way to attempt to stay grounded in a world that had lost all meaning and tangibility.

Unfortunately, I was also becoming trapped in a dangerous cycle. Self-injury, in whatever form, tends to induce guilt which furthers negative feelings about oneself, in turn leading to a renewed desire to self-injure. And on and on, the cycle continues. In this way, self-injury is very much a drug and an addiction: the need, the obsession, the craving, the endorphin rush, the crash and the increasing need for more and more in order to achieve the desired level of high.

My recovery from this form of self-harm was long and filled with slips and lapses. Initially, I would go jogging, journal, make collages with magazine clippings, jot poorly-written poetry, anything to keep my hands busy and my mind on task. Eventually, self-harm just didn’t “work” for me the way it had previously. And while I used to hide year-round in long-sleeves, I reached a point of self-acceptance and, in a sense, self-appreciation, which gave me the strength to show the real me.

We all have a past. Mine just happens to be written on my skin.

Looking for more information on self-harm? Go here.

 

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