35

No one warns you about thirty-five.

Previously sparse and hastily plucked gray hairs stick out defiantly, taunting– “we will always come back and we will come back stronger!” My hair is littered with them, and I’m mesmerized, a sick fascination.

My ovaries (I think I still have them) seem to be screaming at me continually– “you’re running out of time.” But I don’t want a baby.

But I do.

But I won’t.

When you’re grieving over the reality of never having your own little bundle, babies spring up everywhere, flipping the bird at you and your barren uterus.

I’ve been imagining my lady parts slowly shriveling like grapes in the sun. I’m an aging bag of raisins now. Not sure if this is better or worse than yesterday when I was a giant pile of pudding skin.

The neighbor women are all young and bouncing babies on their hips. They meet and go for walks together. I cry to my husband that I’m never in the “clubs” and he jokes of needing to “take care of this baby problem.” A baby mafia…or something.

My hands have become those of my mother’s, the one bright spot in all this nonsense.

So this is thirty-five. But I know how I like my coffee, and when I look at my hands, I see my mother’s.

 

 

Peaks and Valleys: Mount Cammerer and Charlie’s Bunion

I couldn’t wait for it to end; this entire hike had been brutal. Almost from the moment I stepped foot on the trail, I’d been counting away the miles. “One fifth of the way to the top…just need to do that four more times…three more times….two…” If I’m honest with myself, I knew I would struggle. Eleven miles is a lot for me, especially after a long winter with sporadic exercise, especially when half of those eleven miles involve 3,045 feet of elevation gain.

Thoughts of this hike had haunted me for weeks but here I was putting one foot in front of the other and loathing my decision making skills with every step. To really put the icing on the cake, fog had crept in from every side. And then I was sloshing through mud. And then snow.

When at last I arrived at my destination, the old fire tower at the summit of Mount Cammerer, I stared into the fog, turned around and began my descent in a huff. Anxiety was weaving its tentacles around my brain, the exertion had triggered a headache and, looking down at my hands, I realized my body had created a new and disturbing reaction to physical activity–my fingers had swollen into plump sausages. Soon after, I slipped and fell on my butt.

Forty-eight hours later, on my way up to Charlie’s Bunion, I was bouncing through puddles, hair going frizzy in the incessant mist and fog, absolutely BLISSED OUT.

THIS is why I hike. In the moments of frustration and fatigue, when the climb is grueling and my attitude is bad, I ask myself, “Why do you do this to yourself?!” The answer is simple. Hiking can be difficult, but when it is not, it is bliss. The annoyance and exertion of long uphill climbs are syncopated by moments of absolute life-giving joy that make all the struggles worth the effort.

Here, I could draw a comparison to life. But I think you can see that for yourself.

 

Death March on the Black Mountain Crest Trail

No coffee tastes as good as the coffee you have to work for. I first tasted this superior coffee on a camping trip years ago, heating water in a cheap metal percolator over a fire, the smell of burning wood hanging in the air. On road trips, I use a mini stove screwed onto a propane canister to boil water and have found that a Starbucks via packet tastes amazing.

At this point, I have my mornings down to a science.

On this particular morning, however, what was meant to be a two-hour drive to Mount Mitchell State Park turned into a four-hour patience-draining nightmare when Google maps took me down an unpaved, one-lane mountain drive. At least an hour in and fully committed, I was none too pleased when, for no observable reason, the “road” was blocked with a closed sign.

Should you be directed toward Stony Fork Road, be forewarned that you may end up backtracking.  Needless to say, by the time I pulled into Mount Mitchell State Park, my mood had taken a hit.

Mount Mitchell State Park is home of the first and second tallest peaks east of the Mississippi River, Mount Mitchell (6684′)  and Mount Craig (6647′). Of the ten tallest peaks in the east, Mount Mitchell State Park contains five. My plan was to begin at the Old Mitchell Trailhead, hike up Mount Mitchell then catch the Black Mountain Crest Trail to bag Mount Craig, Big Tom (6581′), Balsam Cone (6611′), Cattail Peak (6583′) and Potato Hill (6475′).

As a solo hiker, I would then need to turn around and do it all again, thus completing my somewhat bastardized version of the aptly named Death March.

Armed with several liters of water and a collection of energy bars, I picked up the Old Mitchell Trail beside the visitor center. The trail was root-strangled and mica-flecked rocks reflected gold in the sun. I felt lucky to have arrived on a perfect weather day as most of my research had warned of the unpredictable and notoriously foggy environment of the Black Mountain range.

Following the yellow blazes, I worked my way through heavy forest to the park’s restaurant. Hunter green painted rocking chairs flanked the building’s long porch. The trail began again across the clearing.

After two miles, the trail intersected with the short paved path up to Mount Mitchell. I took a right here to bag my first peak and was joined by fellow visitors who *cough*tooktheeasywayup*cough*.

Once at the peak, I backtracked, left civilization behind and headed toward Mount Craig on the Black Mountain Crest Trail/Deep Gap Trail. In places, the path was more rock scrambling than hiking and ropes had been installed, which to a self-described flatlander was the closest to rappelling I had ever been.

I was on a mission, and started crossing off peaks like tasks on a to-do list.

Mount Craig.

Big Tom.

Balsam Cone.

Cattail Peak.

Potato Hill.

Not wanting to give my body the opportunity to get tired, I turned around and started back the way I came, stopping only briefly at the gift shop near Mount Mitchell for a souvenir mug which I snuggled into my backpack and trekked the last two miles back to my car.

The total distance for this hike, from the Old Mitchell Trailhead to Potato Hill and back, came in at right around 10 miles.

———-

With its diverse, heavily-vegetated forest, Mount Mitchell State Park is a unique alpine-like oasis in the heart of the American south. The trails, though rugged, are well maintained. Just an hour and a half drive from Asheville, Mount Mitchell State Park offers a true mountain experience and, with a few hours’ effort, one can establish bragging rights for a lifetime and still make it home for dinner.

 

 

On Thriving (not just surviving) in the Dog Days of Winter

Lazily browsing Instagram this afternoon, I stumbled upon a woman who described herself, in winter, as a hibernating bear. I adore this in so many ways. How freeing to allow, to forgive, to be PATIENT with myself through the long, struggle-y winter months.

Though born in the heart of it, I’ve never loved winter. Extra hours of darkness combining with icy sidewalks, bitter wind and waves of 21st century plague cause my insides to tremble in dread as early as mid-August. I know I sound dramatic. The fact is, winter means facing things that feed my depression, making staying ‘okay’ a bit more difficult.

Medication and therapy can be vital tools for managing depression, however, I believe much of the healing happens in the seemingly insignificant moments of daily living. Truly LIVING with depression means finding ways to fuel the inner flame.

In winter, much of my survival toolbox consists of methods for generating warmth and light, both literally and figuratively. These are a few of the things I do regularly, if not daily, to keep my fire burning.

  • Light candles with intention. By this I mean, be PRESENT in the action.
  • Create a skincare regimen and stick with it. Cold winter air means dry, thirsty skin. Taking care of your skin not only helps combat dragon scale but also serves as a SELF-CARE practice.
  • Maintain a TIDY and pleasant environment. I keep my space clean and organized.  Those who know depression will relate to the all-encompassing dullness of anhedonia, that lack of interest in everything. Keeping art and craft supplies in easy to reach, organized compartments means that when I feel like doing something I easily can.
  • Hang string lights. Yes, year round.
  • Focus on eating healthy, PLANT-BASED meals. Stay away from items made from a long list of ingredients you cannot pronounce. I also like to keep low or no prep items in stock for days when my energy is running particularly low. Lotus Foods’ Rice Ramen is my current addiction. And Larabars are almost always available in my kitchen.
  • Plan for FUTURE fun. My latest project is researching all the road trips I can take with our new little dog, Hazelnut. She’s just the right size for car travel, and I’m thrilled at the thought of sharing outdoor adventures with a canine friend.
  • If at all possible, GET OUTSIDE. Early last autumn I determined not to allow winter to keep me housebound. Keeping cold weather gear at the ready gives me fewer excuses to remain glued to the couch.
  • Show MERCY. Some days are tougher than others and that’s okay. Dare to show yourself the compassion you would a beloved friend.

Now it’s your turn. I want to know–how do you get through the winter doldrums? What are your tried and true self care methods?

Keep it cozy, fellow hibernating bears!

 

 

 

 

The Early Introvert Hikes Alone – finding paradise on mt leconte

I’d never hiked alone in the dark. My only memory of hiking at night occurred when I was a child camping with family at Indiana Dunes State Park. We’d all gone out with flashlights to spot spiders building intricate webs and watch the waves play with the sand off Lake Michigan. This time, however, I was alone. The headlamp I’d purchased as a book reading tool was now strapped to my head, making me feel some mix of a badass and nerd extraordinaire. As it turned out, the light the headlamp produced looked much dimmer when thrown out into the vastness of nature than it had against the parchment white pages of my journal. “There are bears out here,’ I thought.

Two hours before, I’d crawled out of the warmth of my sleeping bag wedged halfway into the trunk of my car and fumbled around for the keys. Once in the ignition, the radio had sprung to life and, with the promise of heat, I’d messily braided my hair, changed into hiking clothes and started water going for coffee. Spending the night in a hotel parking lot, smack dab in the middle of Pigeon Forge isn’t what I’d recommend for a restful sleep but it is where I’d landed and, once on the road again that morning, the flashing lights and overdone gaudy buildings seemed to be performing for no one in these early hours, an eerie ghost town of excess. Open cup of coffee in one hand, I’d clicked between high and low beams, snaking down dark mountain roads on the way to Alum Cave Trailhead. An oncoming driver had flashed his brights. I’d forgotten to switch mine off. I always forget. I hoped he received my telepathic apology. Mountain roads in the dark walk a fine line between enchanting and terrifying.

I reached the trailhead at 6:50am. The parking area was already littered with cars, though many were likely overnight guests at the Lodge. My hands shook slightly. Was I afraid of the dark? I wasn’t sure. I was new to this. Nevermind. Headlamp strapped on, I headed in the direction I assumed the trailhead would be. Miraculously, I found it immediately. “Alum Cave Trail. Mt. LeConte 5 miles.” My insides were shaking as I crossed the small bridge that begins the trail.

And yet, only moments later, the feeling that washed over me was absolute calm. I was no longer afraid. I was exactly where I wanted to be. Guided by the wane circle of light emanating from my head, I hiked on, following Alum Cave Creek along my right. While the dark early hours of morning persisted, it was only me, the wane circle of light, the sound of water rushing over rocks and my own footsteps. Something spiritual existed in that moment. The darkness, the mountains, the trees performed a symphony more felt than heard, and I alone was permitted admittance, the lone patron.

Slowly, the sky beyond the trees began to lighten. I surprised myself with my hesitation to remove my headlamp; The dark had been unexpected magic. Though accidental, my timing had allowed me to hike the lower elevations in the dark and placed me high enough in the growing light to catch back-lit mountains in stunning vistas. The first bright rays of sun sparkled behind ridges and the amber yellow leaves of early October popped in the shadows.

I’m an introvert and a loner by nature. The mention of parties makes me cringe. Even when I WANT to be social, I only have so much social to offer on a given day and once it is used, it is gone, not to be replenished for at least the length of a full night’s sleep. If other stresses are added to the day, my social stamina will be even less. At times, just a long drive to an event mixed with the worry over not being able to socialize like a “proper” human have me finished before I’ve even started.  Forced to remain at an event after my ‘social’ is gone means my smile will look and feel strange and my eyes appear tired. A headache will, almost inevitably, build in the spaces behind my temples. Every noise in the room will become too sharp, every light too bright, my senses now overwhelmed to exhaustion. I forget how to respond to questions, how to make conversation, how to laugh when others are laughing.

To say I’m not the life of the party is a colossal understatement. “Are you ALIVE at the party?” would be something nearer the truth. And yet, the traits which make me want to fall into a hole in the floor given the prospect of trying to be entertaining, make me excel at being alone in the woods, hiking to the top of a mountain, not a person in sight in any direction. Every introvert has her own version of the BEST type of ‘alone.’ This is mine.

I was lucky enough to continue the ascent in absolute solitude. Not until approximately a quarter mile from the LeConte Lodge did I meet a couple heading down. The man had a full, Santa-white beard and nearly stopped my heart when he teased, “The trail is closed. You’ll have to turn around.”

Passing the lodge, which was bustling in the early morning hours, I continued up the short spur trail to the summit. The cairn at the LeConte summit was massive, and I approached it slowly for fear of causing the tremble that might bring the whole thing down. I placed my own stone on the pile and felt at once I’d joined my soul with all the others who had stepped here.

On the way down, re-tracing my steps, I was a child running down a 5-mile-long hill. “Forget 34-year-old knees, let them hurt tomorrow. Today, I play.” The solitude of the morning hike had left me bubbly and energetic. I spoke happily to hikers coming up the trail, responding to questions of “how much further?!” I stopped to ‘ooh’ and ‘ahh’ at a baby squirrel and marveled at a man testing his two brand new hips for the first time.

By noon I was back in my car, just one more early autumn tourist snaking down Highway 441. This hike had been the capstone on a short peak-bagging trip and my ninth peak over 6,000 feet in just three days. A month later, I still can close my eyes and be back at the Alum Cave Trailhead, headlamp switched on, taking those first cautious steps into the dark.

 

 

Badlands Are Bittersweet Companions

After leaving Glacier, I spent a night in Kalispell, then began the trek toward home, driving through smoke-strangled Lolo forest. I stopped for gas in Lodge Grass on Crow land. The large sign on the building read only “Gas Diesel Snacks.” A rez dog trotted onto the lot, lifted his head and howled.

After a night in Sheridan, Wyoming, I slogged through dense, early morning fog to Wall, South Dakota–tourist trap and relic tucked into a tiny country town, bookended by grain silos on one side and Badlands National Park on the other. Signs for Wall Drug had begun more than a hundred miles away, dotting the parched roadsides of I-90.

Free ice water!

Western wear!

Coffee 5 cents!

Experience Wall Drug!

Though camping and hiking are available at Badlands, the main event of the park is the 39-mile scenic drive. Upon entry, signs warned of plague-carrying prairie dogs. I decided to take my chances.

To step foot in the Badlands is to cross into an alien planet. Juxtaposed by prairie, layers of rock jut toward the sky like elaborate castle battlements. In places, the earth seems to have undergone one great squeeze, corrugating ground like cardboard. Temperatures soared into the 90’s and wind tore over the tree-less ground. I think, if one stayed too long, she too would become just a speck of dust.

All of us earthling tourists, in our brightly colored clothes, stopped again and again taking pictures then, gladly, crawling back into air conditioned cars. Strangely enough, having not showered for five full days, I had reached a curious new level of confidence (or at least lack of concern) regarding anyone’s opinion of me. Over one thousand miles from home, enveloped in strange, untamed land, whether or not my legs were shaved was of little concern.

For the next day and a half, one word sounded in my head. Home, home, home. My last night was spent in a hotel, a gift from Alan. How quickly ‘normal’ life becomes foreign! I fumbled through my things, feeling confused as I stared at shampoo and soap and clean, white towels. At long last, eyes closed and palms open, the humanizing effect of hot, running water brought me to tears.

Mountain Therapy – where agoraphobia met adventure

The agoraphobia struck forcefully and without warning. I cannot entirely identify the catalyst, though I remember those first weeks well—long October days, hiding under layers, smoking menthols out the bedroom window and pure, unadulterated panic at the mere thought of needing to leave my apartment. Depression swirled through it all like milk poured into black coffee. I skipped holidays and family events. I made excuses. I slept through entire days and nights. Anxiety medication was popped like candy. I watched the seasons change through glass, like some kind of backwards peeping Tom.

When spring arrived, I forced myself out to stretch my legs and breathe something other than staleness and smoke. I couldn’t make it past the end of my street.
Fast forward five years and you’d find an older, slightly happier, slightly less agoraphobic me. I had a healthy relationship, a cat, a dog and a ten-year-old girl who wanted me to be her stepmom.

And yet…
I still had panic attacks in the grocery store.
I still could not drive more than 20 minutes from home without fear and nausea and a jumpy, palpitating heart.
I still skipped family functions sometimes.

I’d had enough.
I would do something big, push myself beyond every, last level of comfort. I would perform my own version of immersion therapy.
I would not die before I saw something beautiful.

I chose Glacier National Park. Crown of the Continent. More than a million acres of mountains, lakes and streams. Teeming with everything from tiny pikas to mountain lions and grizzly bears.
Lying in bed at night, I scrolled through pictures on my phone. I wanted to be there so intensely I could feel it in my chest. I had been a prisoner of my brain for too long; it was time I unlocked the gate.

I didn’t have money for hotel rooms—I would sleep in my car. I’d arranged my sleeping bag so my lower half would snuggle down into the trunk of my 2007 Toyota Corolla. My food supply consisted of protein bars, peanut butter, bananas and instant coffee. I didn’t have the proper “outdoorsy” clothing. My too-cheap, stow-away backpack was made more comfortable with a little help from a bungee cord as a makeshift chest strap. My hiking shoes had holes in the toes.

None of this mattered.

On the morning of the great exodus, I was readier than I imagined I could be. When I’d awoken throughout the night, I was met with feelings of confidence, not the get-me-out-of-this dread I had anticipated. Nerves were high but so was excitement. The car was packed. The house was checked and double checked for things I might have missed. I said goodbye and logged the first of 1700 miles.
For each of the next few days, my routine was similar. Drive until I couldn’t anymore. Find a place to park. Set up sheets as makeshift curtains. Slide into the me-sized trunk bed. Sleep. Wake before the butt crack of dawn. Make coffee over my tiny stove and jetboil fuel. Drive. Drive. Drive. I-94, you vast, barren creature—I will never forget you.

Wildfires were raging just west of here. I’d noticed for hundreds of miles the hazy muted shades of the horizon but on my morning drive to Glacier, the sun was a strange murky, coral-colored orb. With the windows rolled down, I breathed in the acrid scent of what, to me, smelled of childhood bonfires. The Blackfeet Indian Land I traversed was immense and looked nearly untouched. I imagined this land looking much the same as it always has, unharmed and wild.

And then, it happened.

I saw my first ‘real’ mountains. I stopped the car at a pull-off, got out and stood on wobbly, unused legs. Far below me, an animal bellowed deeply. This was the wilderness. I was here in all my shaky, four-days-of-car-living, no-shower, stinking realness, and I was more alive than I had ever been. I drove the rest of the way into the park, paid for my pass and listened to the park ranger with a raptness I’d not previously conjured.

I entered at Two Medicine and parked at the Scenic Point trailhead. I’d done no real research, so focused was I on keeping myself relaxed and calm as mile by mile I became further from home. I didn’t know how long the trail was or what to expect. I secured my bungee cord chest strap and stepped into wonderland.

The trail started gently, quiet and meandering through thick forest, the sound of the rushing water of Appistoki Falls to my right. I was convinced I had walked on the set of a film. The trees and flowers were props, each stone strategically placed. If I exhaled too hard, I’d blow it all down. I ached to touch it but I could not. This was sacred ground. This place could eat me alive. I was dumbfounded. I hiked with my mouth hanging open.

Thick vegetation lined the trail, and I quietly wondered where the grizzlies were hiding. Never had I hiked with the very real possibility of becoming someone’s meal. Overcoming my trepidation about making noise in this beautiful place, I occasionally clapped my hands loudly to scare away wildlife. The trail opened, looking down at Two Medicine Lake. Gnarled skeletons of dead white-bark pine trees stood stark against the landscape like wise village elders.

Scrambling over boulders and talus, I continued up, switchback after switchback. Despite running nearly every day back home, I had never felt more out of shape. I was panting. Hard.
I began to realize that Scenic Point was at the top of this mountain. I didn’t arrive looking for this particular challenge but now it was my life’s sole mission. Veteran hikers coming down passed me at intervals, looking nonplussed, decked out in their Osprey backpacks, carrying trekking poles, bear bells jingling cheerfully as they walked. I was a novice. I didn’t care. When I thought I’d certainly reached the top, another switchback led me further. I refused to stop.

The wind was whipping my hair into my face, sun beating down on the exposed trail when I saw the cairns. I was too tired for tears of joy. I was an agoraphobe on a mountaintop. I had breathed for the very first time. Such a strange mix, the fear of leaving the safety of my home and the elation of standing there, a solo brunette lightning rod. The latter force was stronger. It was worth every dusty mile.
On the way down I wondered if everyone could see that I’d looked at the face of God. Was my hair a little whiter? Was it written in my eyes? I felt I had grown, that my heart was bigger and my soul finally full and satisfied after years of starvation.


I was not…am not…cured; Life doesn’t quite work that way. But I was changed. The essence of that mountain had seeped into my pores. Now, when I am afraid, when I feel less than brave, I know that I am still the same girl who once defied the enemy and drove 1700 miles to stand on a mountain.

12 Life Lessons I Learned From My Dad

Image source from http://www.highschoolwrestlingmoves.net
  1. When you’ve caught someone in a cradle (wrestling move) you want to interlock your hands like the dude above. He’s got it right. (The one in the yellow, not the one who looks like he may cry.)
  2. If you’re scared to do something, that may mean you need to do it. (I first learned this one when Dad made me go buy my own Twizzlers at a wrestling match because I was afraid to do it by myself.)
  3. Learning how to properly perform a deadlift will ensure you “lift with your legs, not your back” for the rest of your life.
  4. Building a broad vocabulary at a young age will help you not sound like a moron as an adult.
  5. Without rules, there is chaos. (I wasn’t so pleased with this one as a teenager.)
  6. When learning to drive a stickshift, one must also practice how to stop on a dime. (As we were driving along a country road, Dad would yell out, “STOP!”, and I was to jam on the brake and the clutch at the same time. There were also traffic cones involved in my training. And tears. There were tears.)
  7. If you’re going to do something, learn how to do it to the best of your ability.
  8. Waking up before dawn is a part of the true Indy 500 experience.
  9. When taking your family camping, buy a tent that is easy to install.
  10. If you own a fast car, others drivers will want to race you. Go ahead and race them. (Haha, kiding….. But we did. And we won.)
  11. A hedge trimmer is just as frightening to a child as a chainsaw…if you turn out the lights.

But most importantly…

12. A good dad is one you’ll turn to for advice well into adulthood.

The “R” Word

An episode of All in the Family, the 70’s television show, was playing on the “antenna tv” station today. I was only half watching but looked up as the mother figure (Edith) was in distress. As it turns out, a man had attempted to rape her. Over the next 15 to 20 minutes of the program, I watched Edith experience all of the classic grief reactions.

I felt them with her.

I was raped five years ago.

I’m sitting here wanting to erase that sentence with all the usual ridiculous banter bouncing around my head. Maybe I’ll offend someone. Maybe I shouldn’t talk about it. Maybe I should just pretend it never happened. Maybe I should call it something that causes less of a reaction from others….assault, sexual battery?

The truth is, I’m tired of the way we all talk our way around the issue. I’m tired of the feelings of self-blame and guilt victims place on themselves and have placed upon them. I’m tired of feeling embarrassed for something I didn’t ask for and was powerless to stop.

According to RAINN, 1 out of every 6 American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed sexual assault. 1 out of every 6. And while the victims suffer in silence, only 2% of rapists will ever spend a day in prison, due only in part to unreported assaults.

To all the other 1 in 6, you are NOT alone. You are not forgotten. The shame is not yours to bear. The guilt does not belong to you. It was NOT YOUR FAULT.

 

Conversations With Myself: Reversing Negative Internal Dialogue

Image source: http://www.mindislife.com/tag/imagination
Image source: http://www.mindislife.com

Consider this for a moment, if you will…

You invite a friend to your home. Upon her arrival, you inform her that her outfit looks terrible and that she could really afford to lose a couple pounds. When she speaks, you let her know her thoughts are silly and invalid. When she says she is hungry, you tell her she doesn’t need to eat and hand her a piece of gum. OR, maybe just give her an entire package of cookies to go ahead and finish off because her weight is already “too far gone.”

You’d never do this, would you?

And yet, many of us treat ourselves in this manner on a daily basis. I confess, I am one of them. I struggle to feel the same love and tenderness for myself that I can easily muster for others.

The reality is, you (and me) are just as deserving. Just as worthy of love.

All of us have a running internal dialogue. Some feelings and thoughts may be so deeply ingrained that we no longer realize when we are silently judging and sabotaging ourselves. My challenge to myself today is to become more aware of that internal dialogue and to turn around the negative thoughts when they arise, to choose to treat myself as I would a friend.

What might this mean for you? In what aspect of your life could you benefit from slowing down and offering yourself that which you would freely give to someone you loved?